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10/13/10
Its been a weird couple of weeks. there’s been so much going on. so much waiting…working..trying to get better. infection is pretty much gone. this experience has changed me. I made a promise to myself that when all was said and done and I looked all better I was going to take over the world. I just mean the world that I’m living in. I feel like so many things got out of control and im done with it..I learned in one of my classes the other day that you choose and create your own social situations.. no matter what else is going on, at the end of the day, you’re the one in charge. If im not happy right now with the way things are going at school, it’s no one elses fault but mine. Things are not terrible there. They’re just different than how I expected them to be, and its just taking time to adjust. Even as I just typed that, I really disliked it. I don’t like the word adjust. It indicates that something is bad, and that you are coping with it, and I cant accept that. It’s not bad at school. It’s not. It’s just different. And sometimes it’s trying. Like when I’m trying to see you. But I haven’t been doing that recently. And so im going to fix everything. I may never be able to fix the world around me and the changes that time is making but I can change myself. I think a better word is adapt. I’m adapting..
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10/3/10
Can we make it? Sometimes it feels like im in a car heading towards a cliff and I dont know whether to slow down or stop completely.. and the more I wait, the faster the car goes. I dont know why its different when you’re not here. When you’re here, things make more sense. Everything is easy. But when you leave and I’m alone here, things change. I start to second guess myself and wonder whats real in this world. I dont want to feel that way. If we had only met at a different time, things would be so much easier right now. I miss you.
9/28/10, Tuesday.
I guess this day starts with the night before. I have an 8am lab every Tuesday morning so I purposely went to bed early, turning off the light at 10:15pm or so. Of course I couldn’t fall asleep. I went back and forth from turning on the light and reading to laying there awake in the darkness, contemplating life and worrying about imaginary situations. I fell asleep around 2, after Christine came home drunk and fell asleep on top of the covers of her bed.
647am. My alarm goes off playing Summer of 98. “Everything worked out at school then…”
720am. I roll out of the house, not particularly happy about my outfit, and wondering if I have time to get gas before leaving. I end up driving past the gas station because I see an oil truck there and don’t know if they’re still open.
745am. I arrive at the island of ihpleda, and park by new hall and the library. I sit around listening to music in my car/burning away the few remnants of gas left in my tank. I get out at 7:55 and walk to class and note that it feels like a rain forest outside.
815am. Professor finally arrives and we take a lab test. I mess up some parts of it but then fix it before I hand in the papers. My alter ego from prep, Susan P, texts me to tell the professor that she has a weird stomach virus and cant come in. I get out of class early.
840am. I pass time on facebook in the library before my stats class.
925am. Go to stats class downstairs. Spend 50% of the class staring out the window, 25% drawing a flag inside my notebook, and another 25 paying attention. Don’t learn much.
1030am. Get out of class ten minutes early. Walk back to my car in the parking lot to drop off the retarded two required notebooks and 50 lb textbook that I’m forced to bring to class. Spend ten minutes trying to figure out if I should wear my jacket or my sweatshirt for the rest of the day. In all of the commotion, I leave my keys in the cup holder.
1053am. Arrive three minutes late to Psychoanalysis, a truly riveting class in which the professor insists upon reading directly from the textbook for 75 grueling minutes. I spend much of this class staring out the window as well.
1205pm. Class ends. I run into Mary, and she tells me about the Circle K meeting I missed last night.
1207pm. While I’m talking to her, you walk by, talking to someone else. You see me and I see you, but at different times, as always.
1215pm. I go to Social Psychology, the class that used to be my favorite this semester but is no longer. The professor spends 45 minutes wasting time and going over every single question of the test. The rest of the class is spent rushing through a powerpoint.
120pm. The professor puts us into groups for a group project we are going to be doing later in the semester. I hate group projects.
130pm. The class ends and I rush out, uncharacteristically wanting to go home really badly.
138pm. I arrive at my car. A girl in an SUV asks me if I’m leaving so that she can take my spot. I tell her I am and look through my bag for my keys.
139pm. I don’t have my keys. I wonder if I left them inside when I dropped off that damn textbook. I blame the professor for making me carry that book as opposed to myself for changing from my sweatshirt to my jacket and back again. I call my Dad and ask if he can bring the spare keys to school when he gets out of work, three hours later.
145pm. I figure I should at least eat something if I’m going to be at school this afternoon, so I head to the UC and run into Mary. We eat lunch together in the Underground Cafe.
225pm. James calls for our phone date. He tells me the drama going down at Bing, and I tell him the mundane details of my trapped-at-school-day.
305pm. I go to the library and kill time on facebook again. Then I head to Linda’s office to see if there’s anything exciting going on there. I run into my friend Chris who apparently works in the same office. While I’m talking to him, Linda walks by and says whatsup. Unfortunately, she has a meeting to go to. I leave the office and head back outside in search of something to do.
340pm. I run into Kasey in the UC while I’m making the exciting purchase of yogurt. She is with two of her friends, Michelle, who I met last week and drove to a train station because Kasey led her to the wrong one, and Deanna, who recognizes me from our Religious Cultures class. Uncharacteristically, I can’t, for the life of me, remember seeing her in that class.
350pm. We go back to Kasey’s dorm and she lends me the Psychoanalysis textbook to read while I’m killing time. “Freud and Beyond.” Her roommate Brittney is in the room and she is still the most laid back person I’ve ever encountered.
400pm. We all head to the library. They have formed their own study group for a speech pathology class they are taking. I head upstairs and go on facebook and mapquest directions to ihpleda for my dad.
430pm. I can’t concentrate on Freud and Beyond so I head outside and sit on one of the benches by the side of the library. The wind keeps blowing my hair and the pages of the book in crazy directions.
448pm. You walk by in a gust of wind, leafing through papers in your hands, never once looking up.
455pm. Lauren and Kat from Circle K come by and talk to me. Lauren asks me if I want to come to her dorm and hangout so I go to Eddy Hall with them.
511pm. Dad calls and says he is here and asks which parking lot to go into. I run downstairs and out of Eddy and sprint through the grass in front of new hall. He is waiting in the parking lot with my keys.
545pm. Home at last. Time to do all of this again tomorrow.
[video]
9/12/10
School. everything is so different I dont even think I could properly explain it if I tried. I realized recently that I dont think im a fan of change. When things change, especially good things, i tend to feel like something is being taken away from me. I mean i know a lot of change ends up being really good.. Its the only thing that makes you grow as a person so obviously its vital to life. But for some reason its difficult for me to accept.
I always do this thing where I imagine the future and I always feel like I have it figured out. Its ironic because of all people I know how shit happens unexpectedly. But its like this coping mechanism I have to deal with the present. I get by knowing that the future is gonna be better. I always do that..I get my hopes up. And then they come crashing down and im disappointed. I dont do it all the time with everything, but i do it with a lot of things. Thats what I did with junior year. I expected too much from it, then I showed up and everything was changed.
Now that ive had time to process it I think its a good thing though. My hopes came crashing down the very first day of school for a multitude of reasons, so somewhere inside of me i told myself, things can only go up from here. This is how I started adelphi anyway. i had no expectations, like I sorta have no expectations for this year right now. And then adelphi ended up surprising me. All hope is not lost. Some really, really goood stuff happened the other day. There’s a lot of potential.
I mean it always works out at that school somehow, someway.
9/1/10
I’ve tried to think of what to say about today as a whole, and I just cant. But tomorrows a new day.
8/31/10
On the first day of summer vacation I told my dad there were 100 days left until I went back to school. It seemed endless and I wanted to go back right then and there. Now if you’re thinking I’m crazy, you’re probably right.. But back then, I was just starting to get into things at cvs and I already couldnt stand it there. So the end of the summer just meant freedom. So as to the mystery of if I work there still, I’m technically still working there, but its whenever I feel like it.. I spent so much money last week with James so it was nice working on saturday and getting all of that back. So i guess shit works out in the end.
Things at the hospital are good. I’ve been working on tons of different studies there recently. I’ve also figured out all these different ways to do as little as possible and get out as early as possible. I found all these different back entrances into the room where my desk is, so I can bypass walking by the research manager’s desk so she doesnt give me shit to do. It really helps. I also saw Russell Brand filming a movie on our street. He was just walking down lexington. He was such a cool dude, talking to fans and taking pictures. Really nice guy.
This past week has felt more like summer than all the other weeks of this season combined. It figures. But it’s been worth it. I cant believe how somethings just happen out of nowhere sometimes. Me and megan always talk about how August is the underdog month of the summer, no one ever wants it to come, and yet it somehow always ends up being the best month.
Tomorrow it all begins again. I have imagined what this semester is gonna be like for the longest time, and now that it’s here, everything in my life is different and i have no clue how its all gonna go down.
I’ve never been so lost, ive never felt so much at home
Please write my folks and throw away my keys…
8/10/10
August already.
I quit work three days ago. Sort of. Well no one is less clear on the time frame than I am these days. Am I gone, or am I just leaving for a while? It’s anybody’s guess.
Why am I going back next week, for two days? Out of desire? Out of need? Out of obligation? Nobody really knows.
My manager wants me to come in and talk to him about “the future” when I go in to get my paycheck on Friday. Little does he know that my direct deposit using self is going to bypass that entire conversation. No thanks. There are eight people there trying to convince me to stay, with 800 reasons why I should.
Sunday night, I worked from 3:30 to 10, with a fever. It was the last night of my regular work schedule, and the hardest shift I have ever endured. I couldn’t call out because I called out a few weeks ago when I went to a party the night before an 8am shift and threw up the next morning.
At one point during the night, I came close to fainting at the register. I did not think I was going to make it through the transaction. After it was over I just went to the back room and put my head down on the table for 20 minutes. I didn’t even get to go eat on my break until 8 that night. I feel like it was God testing me one last time, showing me that this job has made me tougher. I would never have been able to deal with a night like this a few months ago.
My coworker covered for me the whole time I was sick. She stayed up there and rang up customers, telling me to take all the time I needed. My manager was totally understanding and cool about it.. He has proven himself to be a good guy.
There are definitely things about the place I will miss. Honestly as shitty as I have always made it out to be, sometimes, SOMETIMES, there are good parts. Really good parts. And I am always grateful that I have had this opportunity to grow and learn and make money while doing it. It’s an invaluable experience.
So I guess for now, we’ll hold off on making any declarations. I’ll just see how the wind blows.
In other news, three days later, I am finally starting to feel better and my fever’s gone. Tomorrow is my dad’s girlfriend’s birthday. Damn how time flies. We’re all so much older than we used to be. How did that happen? I was thinking back to when I was sixteen, seventeen, earlier today. Sure those were shitty years, but I feel like I thought I had so much more potential back then. I was so much more hopeful. Maybe it’s because I know my time at school is running down. I see the future coming, and I never want to leave college. I know my other entry talked about the benefits of choosing your major/calling/career path/whatever. But maybe there’s something to be said about not knowing. Not knowing where you’re going or what you’re gonna be. You feel like you could end up being something amazing. I mean, I still feel that way, I do. But I guess that’s the irony of life. Things are always better on the other side, whether an actual place or just a way of thinking.
I just realized today is actually August 11th. Or, was, August 11th, since there’s only one hour left. Happy August 11th.